i dreamed of fire....

I could see myself falling as if from a great height. I was burning slowly in the atmosphere, and yet I was so far above the earth and in such seemingly slow motion that I knew I could yet change my fate.

I've been slowly burning out. Lately I see it reaching critical mass. I know that if things don't change...well, I know that there's a breaking point. I'm tired. I'm so deeply tired that sleep can't quite reach that deep inside of me to satisfy the thirst for rest. My color has gone from extremely pale to ashy white, my eyes from their normal blue-green to grey. I make a point of putting on some makeup now just to add color so that I don't scare the locals.

I began the year working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. Then I began studying my advanced teaching diploma. I cut my work week back to 70 or so hours a week and added another 20 of studying. There isn't much to do here. I'm alone. I've all but forgotten how to interact with people except when I'm teaching. Thank goodness for my online friends. I've begun to think that people don't exist except as messages with photos on my computer screen.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that time was running out. If I didn't make some changes, I'd be finished. My teaching has suffered as well, although perhaps not as deeply as I myself have been suffering. It's a funny thing to think of the quality of my teaching as a direct reflection of the quality of my life. In no other job have I needed to perfom so well as I do as a teacher. It IS a performance. If I have no energy, I lose my audience. So, I set out to improve my life and find my batteries.

Step one was to begin meditating again. I don't know when I stopped. Now I'm meditating at least twice a day again. It's like a very short battery re-charge.

Step two was to start taking a break daily again. I hadn't been swimming this year, and am now swimming everyday again. It's too easy to become extremely out of shape here. There's nothing much to do and the only form of excercise that can be part of normal life is swimming.

Step three is nutrition. Being a vegetarian here is very difficult. My body functions best with a lot of protein. I have no interest at all in meat, and anything with oil sends me running for the loo. Result? Well, let's just say that I've been eating nothing but a packet or two of instant noodles and a couple of oatmeal cookies a day, washed down with a couple of liters of water, a multivitamin and a nightly nightcap of wine. I've talked to the chef about getting tofu for daily consumption, and I will try to get vegetables in the mix too.

Step four is cleansing. I can't do a cleanse here like I can in other jobs. I need the energy that I would lose in a 2 week fast. I did however discover the Moon Cleanse, which is a 24 hour fast beginning at the exact minute of the moon's change. This averages out to about once a week. During this time, I can drink liquids, but no alcohol or caffeine. I've done it twice so far and feel a little more positive about myself. There is something empowering about taking control of your bodily desires for a time. The best part is that when I feel moments of weakness, I think, "It's only 24 hours." There is someone here that does it with me as well. She remembered it from her yoga days.

Step five is (I think) going to be yoga. I didn't realise that yoga was such a great meditation. It provides an outlet for the body's stress, and for the mind as well. I have a friend here who would like to do it with me. We are ordering a highly recommended dvd. We hope that this will further our efforts to be healthy both mentally and physically.

I really hope that these steps get me back to optimal health. I wonder how I will survive until the end of my diploma if I don't. Further, I wonder how I'll pass my diploma if I don't regain my strength of being.

Keep me in your prayers.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.