from the belly of a whale

Tonight is a terrible Jonah sort of night. I don't know if you know Jonah? God spoke to Jonah and asked him to speak for Him (God), but Jonah was afraid. He tried to run and hide from God (his fate). He got on the first boat to someplace far away hoping to escape God's notice and need for a messenger. Naturally, God was not fooled (being omnicient and ever present) and He sent a great storm. The sailors were very afraid and the captain gave orders for everyone to pray to his god for deliverance. Jonah had been sleeping, and when he awoke and realised what was going on, he took full blame. "The storm is because of me. Throw me into the sea and it will stop." At first they told him he was crazy, but the storm got worse, and they soon thought perhaps it would help to throw him into the sea, especially since he was so agreeable on the matter...so they did. A great fish (probably a whale given the physics of the whole story and the anatomy of actual fish) rose from the deeps and swallowed Jonah whole.

It was a bad day. Eventually though, after a few days inside of the whale he rather thought better of going against the will of God (or his fate, if you will). The whale spat him back up and soon he was on land telling others of God's will.

I haven't been swallowed by a whale, and the storm that nearly washed us overboard on the overnight journey in a fishing boat wasn't as bad as all that, but I'm definitely feeling down. It's just that life is so hard, you know? Mum said to me once, "Yes, but when has it ever been EASY??" She had a point.

So many things are culminating right now and I don't have the readily available resources to deal with all of them in a secure fashion...and now I'm 30...and I think I'd like to go forward with things in a slightly more secure fashion than by the skin of my teeth.

Part of me (a big part) just wants to do something really easy like get a job in Indonesia, forget about love and all of that silliness...getting to the garden where it can grow just seems so difficult. If things are really hard, why not just stop and do other things? there are so many very interesting things to do in the world that it would be impossible to fit them all in one lifetime.

....and yet, like Jonah mulling over his fate while sitting in the cavernous belly of a whale, I know that I'll face my fate even though I have the choice to do whatever I want. I know that my happiness lies in facing those things...and so I will. (even though I don't want to) I got a tetnus shot voluntarily as a preventative measure this week as well. It hurt a lot, but I figured the good far outweighed the bad...I hate shots, so it was a huge sign of personal growth for me that I chose one so easily. It was also rather symbolic of my fate awaiting me outside of the belly of the whale.