i'm beautiful

I'm beautiful.

I'm 28, have more wrinkles than ever before in my life, have a couple of extra kilos that are bugging me and the guys here are innocent (or bad mannered enough) to say, "Oh, you're fat now." (I'm not- translated that means I'm not as thin as I was when I came and instead of a completely flat stomach, I have one that bulges slightly when I eat or drink), I'm blond - a color which I'm not fond of but am left with no choice since the ocean takes dye out within a week and the sun takes my red. I have more freckles than I've had in my whole life. I don't wear makeup anymore because there is no point in the tropics...and yes, I'm beautiful.

Such a simple statement and yet it's so much harder than "I'm sorry" (long claimed to be the hardest words). I have a very long history of believing myself to be unattractive to, at best, "ok". I have known for a long time that my beauty was within, and the more people knew me, the more they actually thought me attractive. Mrs. Roosevelt always wore a smile because, "I'm not an attractive woman, but people always remember you as beautiful if you smile." These words have been my greatest allies for years.

Here I am, at 28. With realistic faults at every turn...but I'm beautiful.

Everywhere I have been in the world, from the glaciers and rugged wilderness of Alaska to the jungles of Borneo or even the centuries of man made beauty that is Barcelona...I have been surrounded by so much beauty that sometimes I have wondered if one day I would simply dissolve into the wind because I had reached the quota of beauty and happiness that one could experience in one lifetime. Every sensation, every shade of blue, the way that the waves have a different voice every night, the countless stars in the sky, the way the sun rises differently in every country I've been too...my senses are never dulled to these amazing gifts. Then, tonight, as I was walking under the millions of stars with the wind schaffing my dress against my calves, the well-worn wood of the jetty beneath my feet, funny pipe-shaped fish playing in the current of the lagoon, the waves pounding with frustration, and then the sand soft and silky beneath my feet...it suddenly came to me. "I am part of this. I am part of this creation. I am a part of all of this incredible beauty. No more, no less."

I am beautiful, and so are you. How could we not be?

Note: I originally published this in March 2005. I just thought it was worth republishing.  We all need reminding from time to time.