crazy eye and island fever

The other day a few of us got together in the dive center and were playing guitar, singing, talking, dancing and drinking. After spending quite a few minutes dancing salsa with a guy called Marino while Fantastico and Sam played Santana, Marino started in on me because the other night there wasn't any sushi. Sam had already called me that same night complaining that there wasn't any sushi, and I said that I was sorry but I wasn't even on the island. Every Wednesday (sushi night) I bring my container to the kitchen after lunch for a few pieces of sushi because I won't be there to have it at dinner. Apparently, last week, my 10 pieces of sushi were all there were. Marino wouldn't let up. I finally said, "Look, I don't care," and he still wouldn't stop and so I said, "Look, I don't care! You can go **** yourself for all I care, it's not going to change anything!!!" and it pretty much continued like that for a few minutes, then Sam started again on me and I said, "**** this. I'm going to go study." At which point Liria and Fantastico intervened and put an end to the conversation and there was no further talk of sushi or leaving.

The next day I was too hostile (over sushi) to talk to anyone outside of classes (where I was cheerful).

Even as I pondered (grumpily) over this, I wasn't sorry.The fact that I wasn't sorry struck me as hormonal, which I am. DEFINITELY. Unfortunately, this hormonal splurge has struck me early, probably as a direct result of the upcoming exams which I am afraid of failing.

Today I ran into Marino on the stairs: he going down, me going up. I apologised, "Marino, I'm sorry I wished you would go and **** yourself. I really wish you a much more pleasant sexual experience."

I have been purposefully avoiding people as I realise that I am FULL of hostililty. I know it's a sick combination of island fever with hormones (my DEPO is due next month). The conversations I DO have these days either begins with (or does in my head but is thankfully edited before hitting my mouth) "My vacation is really soon. Only X many days until I go."

I catch myself trying to X the day off the calendar about five times a day. I've made a little calendar on my desk that now goes through the end of my contract, 10 July 2006...that's highlighted in orange. Holiday time is highlighted in purple. There are 188 days until the New Year, and 45 of those are definitely holiday, and another 42 of those are potential holiday (they are only underlined in purple), with another 4 days beginning the New Year. Other than that, I've highlighted my birthday. I'll be 30 next May, 30 when I finish my contract.