love sux

It's that time again...when all those couples that look so disgustingly cute during the rest of the year are gonna get even more disgusterpatingly twitterpated and doe-eyed.

Since I will not be attending the 10th annual Love Sux festivities in cold and miserable Boston- although agreeing that love sucks, I have at least relocated to warmer climes where love can continue sucking but at least I'm barefoot and warm- I thought the least I could do was to give some inspirational quotations on love and sex to the rest of us.

"Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come."
-Matt Groening

"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."
-Matt Groening

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
-Matt Groening

"Where do babies come from? Don't bother asking adults. They lie like pigs. However, diligent independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories. Near as we can figure out, it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. We believe it is similar to dogs when they act peculiar and ride each other. This is called "making love". Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and T-Shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes grown-ups insipid and insane. Some graffiti was once observed that said "sex is good". All available evidence, however, points to the contrary."
-Matt Groening

This year's love in Reuter's form:

January:
Boston: The insides of my nose froze because it was so cold...but I did have a couple of nice dreams involving dancing on ice with Mikhail Barishnykov
February:
Boston: My anti-date for last year's Love Sux brought another anti-date
March:
London: went on ONE date with an old fling (I had been on one date with him 3 years ago, and had kept vague email/text message contact) and was told that he'd like to chain me naked on a bed and throw paint all over me...I made the necessary excuses and fled.
April:
London: Had a couple of dates with a friend
May:
Barcelona: April's friend came to visit me for my birthday for 3 nights
June:
Barcelona: Drunkenly kissed my flatmate on the way home from a party, once home, we both passed out. We didn't mention it again.
July:
Maldives: Moved to a Muslim country
August:
Maldives: Lost much time explaining why I'm single and so old (in this country)
September:
Maldives: Gossip rumored that I was a lesbian. (Short hair, single and not looking for a boyfriend- what else could I be?)
October:
Sri Lanka: Went on holiday with another female from my island. Naturally it was rumored that we went because we were lovers.
November:
Maldives: Less questions about why I'm not married. New girl came to the island. I heard rumors that my "girlfriend" had dumped me for the new girl, and I was jealous.
*for the record, I'm NOT interested in women, and neither are the other females on the island...although we are greatly amused to listen to our own soap opera love triangles in the gossip!
December:
Indonesia & Singapore: on holiday, danced all night Christmas night with a really fantastic guy named Tata, affectionate goodbyes were made. (tata in English means, "goodbye")
Borneo: New Year's Eve: accidentally ended up in a Gay Bar in Borneo. Lost my shoes. Danced barefoot with drag queens. At midnight there were only a couple of cheek kisses (my female companion and a sympathetic drag queen).
January 2005:
Borneo: clucked at and lectured in the Iban language for being so old without a husband. AMAZING how well this translates even without speaking the language!
February:
Maldives: Love still sucks...good news is that I don't mind. Personally, I don't think I'm old, and at least I'm warm and well traveled!