miércoles, noviembre 09, 2005

looking to the horizon

Thank you for all of the kind thoughts, text messages and emails. I haven't been writing much lately because I'm incurably cheerful and positive and when I'm not...well, if I don't write it down I might not remember that I wasn't.

I did fight and lost and was deceived and blown off and then mildly consoled and asked to shutup. So, I am shutting up.

It's been a very difficult couple of weeks emotionally for me and quite frankly I'm not the emotional sort; passionate, yes, emotional no. There are few things that can turn me off faster than my becoming emotional about something. What does that mean? Well, breaking it all down I realised a few things.

Being here is a little like playing dead until the holidays come. Granted, I have more holidays than anyone I know...but I don't have weekends. I don't have friends. I can't cook for myself or even make the decision to have internet in my home. Indeed, I don't have a home. If I want to go to the pub, I have one option: the airport hotel. To get there means an hour and a half in fishing boats each way, or if I'm lucky, one of those ways will be a half hour in a speedboat. Unbelievably, I've only been ill once returning after a night of drinking. (Drinking and boats don't mix well). If I'm sick, it's a boat to the hospital and back again. If I need to buy anything- a boat and several hours waiting for the boat to return (it's always several hours wait on boats). I go to the office in a boat and back to teach my classes in a boat. For the first ten months I swam or kayaked around the two islands almost daily. Now I can't be bothered. It feels too much like a hamster running on its wheel. I know every coral and fish neighborhood in two reefs. Surprisingly, despite this, I have never gone snorkeling without seeing at least one new thing. It's all exactly as beautiful as before, it's merely that I'm apathetic.

I want to have the freedom to go to the pub after work. I'd like to go somewhere at the weekend: I'd like to have weekends. I want to walk up mountains and go exploring. I want to cook for myself and my friends, to throw dinner parties and just parties besides. I'd like to go dancing without having to leave the country to do it. I want the freedom to go home after work.

I'm looking for another position. What the management here did not and will not understand was that my "fight" which they labeled "being annoying" was actually me fighting for the price of my willingness to finish my contract. I lost, and am looking for something else. I will be looking for something to begin after the New Year. I have not and will not give notice unless/until I find something.

If any of you know of something, please drop me a line. There is a link to my CV in the side column under TEFL, or you can click on the title of this entry.

Thank you for the support and sympathetic wishes. This too will pass.