la transformación

Sunday night, I sat on the deck of the bar, listening to the waves as I poured over language acquisition theories, approaches and methods. Something on the horizon caught my eye. A glimmer of burnished orange rose through the clouds, teasingly. Gradually the glimmer became a grand orb hanging low on the horizon as if it were too heavy to rise any further. Like a coquette, it tauntingly played behind the clouds, revealing only glimpses of what I knew to be the whole. Appearing and disappearing, it rose.

Ascending slowly, its aspect and color began to alter as if the clouds were a dressing screen and the moon a beautiful woman changing behind it. The burnished orange gave way to deep gold like the sun setting. I wondered if it were truly night or day. The moon emerged wrapped in a mantle of of gold, creating a halo of light that encircled this lady luna and I thought must assuredly begin to light the sky as the birth of a new day...but it was not to be. The clouds once again swirled near, expensive furs, once again obsuring the details. When she once again appeared, she seemed to be made of the soft sunlight of spring. More slight of frame, delicate, demure and out of place in the darkness. My heart wanted to rescue her, bring her to daylight, let her light pour forth over flowers. The clouds returned in wisps like ghosts. They wrapped the damsel tightly for many moments. When finally she was free once more, she was smaller and yet perfect. There was something other-worldly about this delicate nymph of silvery light. Silver and graceful, she sailed into the sky like a swan at dusk.

i dreamed of fire....

I could see myself falling as if from a great height. I was burning slowly in the atmosphere, and yet I was so far above the earth and in such seemingly slow motion that I knew I could yet change my fate.

I've been slowly burning out. Lately I see it reaching critical mass. I know that if things don't change...well, I know that there's a breaking point. I'm tired. I'm so deeply tired that sleep can't quite reach that deep inside of me to satisfy the thirst for rest. My color has gone from extremely pale to ashy white, my eyes from their normal blue-green to grey. I make a point of putting on some makeup now just to add color so that I don't scare the locals.

I began the year working 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. Then I began studying my advanced teaching diploma. I cut my work week back to 70 or so hours a week and added another 20 of studying. There isn't much to do here. I'm alone. I've all but forgotten how to interact with people except when I'm teaching. Thank goodness for my online friends. I've begun to think that people don't exist except as messages with photos on my computer screen.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that time was running out. If I didn't make some changes, I'd be finished. My teaching has suffered as well, although perhaps not as deeply as I myself have been suffering. It's a funny thing to think of the quality of my teaching as a direct reflection of the quality of my life. In no other job have I needed to perfom so well as I do as a teacher. It IS a performance. If I have no energy, I lose my audience. So, I set out to improve my life and find my batteries.

Step one was to begin meditating again. I don't know when I stopped. Now I'm meditating at least twice a day again. It's like a very short battery re-charge.

Step two was to start taking a break daily again. I hadn't been swimming this year, and am now swimming everyday again. It's too easy to become extremely out of shape here. There's nothing much to do and the only form of excercise that can be part of normal life is swimming.

Step three is nutrition. Being a vegetarian here is very difficult. My body functions best with a lot of protein. I have no interest at all in meat, and anything with oil sends me running for the loo. Result? Well, let's just say that I've been eating nothing but a packet or two of instant noodles and a couple of oatmeal cookies a day, washed down with a couple of liters of water, a multivitamin and a nightly nightcap of wine. I've talked to the chef about getting tofu for daily consumption, and I will try to get vegetables in the mix too.

Step four is cleansing. I can't do a cleanse here like I can in other jobs. I need the energy that I would lose in a 2 week fast. I did however discover the Moon Cleanse, which is a 24 hour fast beginning at the exact minute of the moon's change. This averages out to about once a week. During this time, I can drink liquids, but no alcohol or caffeine. I've done it twice so far and feel a little more positive about myself. There is something empowering about taking control of your bodily desires for a time. The best part is that when I feel moments of weakness, I think, "It's only 24 hours." There is someone here that does it with me as well. She remembered it from her yoga days.

Step five is (I think) going to be yoga. I didn't realise that yoga was such a great meditation. It provides an outlet for the body's stress, and for the mind as well. I have a friend here who would like to do it with me. We are ordering a highly recommended dvd. We hope that this will further our efforts to be healthy both mentally and physically.

I really hope that these steps get me back to optimal health. I wonder how I will survive until the end of my diploma if I don't. Further, I wonder how I'll pass my diploma if I don't regain my strength of being.

Keep me in your prayers.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

XXII

Love, how often I loved you without seeing-
without remembering you-
not recognising your glance, not knowing you, a gentian
in the wrong place, scorching in the hot noon,
but I loved only the smell of the wheat.

Or maybe I saw you, imagined you lifting a wineglass
in Angol, by the light of the summer's moon;
or were you the waist of that guitar I strummed
in the shadows, the one that rang like an impetuous sea?

I loved you without knowing I did; I searched to remember you.
I broke into houses to steal your likeness,
though I already knew what you were like. And, suddenly,

when you were there with me I touched you, and my life
stopped: you stood before me, you took dominion like a queen:
like a wildfire in the forest, and the flame is your dominion.

-pablo neruda (translated by stephen tapscott)

third world medicine

As I write this, my head aches...throbs...and exists in an imagined vice. My throat is back to a normal size and only a slight stuffiness remains in my nose.

Three nights ago I became sick. Not drastically so, but dramatically enough (courtesy of my nose)to trigger concern and the idea that I couldn't possibly teach like that. The bartender made me a fabulous hot ginger tea (with a bit of brandy, methinks) and sent me to bed.

The downside of being sick in paradise is that in order to take a sick day, one has to go to the Doctor and get a note. To go to the doctor, one needs to embark upon a journey by boat.

I went to reception to get a confirmation of times for the boat to Male' as well as the return. The receptionsist confirmed the departure time thrice, writing it down for me as a final measure. I left an hour and a half later, at noon.

I arrived without event to Male' where I walked to the hospital. I had two problems: a cold, and an infection from a cut on my leg. I thought I might as well get a blood test to make sure I didn't have anything bad in my system, as I've been having a lot of stomach problems since coming back from the local islands (I've now been to three). I was given slips to get me into both a general practice doctor and a skin doctor.

First up: the general doctor. I walked in, he motioned me to sit down and looked at me with a question in his eyes. "I have a cold, but in order to take a couple of days of rest, I need a note from a doctor." He nodded, took my pulse and blood pressure. The nurse stuck a thermometer in my ear. He looked at my throat and asked if it hurt. "A little," I replied. "You have a throat infection."

Ok, I was a little surprised, but not terribly, since I have a history of throat infections. That would also explain why my ears hurt. So far, so good. I told him about the stomach problems and asked if I could get a blood test for any kind of parasites, or anything that could possibly be wrong. No problem.

He wrote me a prescription that seemed a little long, I thanked him and left. Next up was the skin doctor. He took one look, said that it was minor, but the infection was beginning to spread. That's why I came. He took a look at the prescriptions given by the other doctor and blanched. He stumbled for words, seemed a bit shocked. Said that he wouldn't give me any more pills, as the antibiotic prescribed by the other doctor should work for this as well. He gave me a cortizone cream. I thanked him and made my way to the pharmacy.

A few minutes later, after my purse was relieved of almost 400 Rufiya, I found myself the confused owner of a large quantity of drugs.

I did a little food shopping, then made my way to Seagulls, the local overpriced ice-cream haven for ex-pats. The courtyard is enclosed by a large wooden fence, and inside it's typical tropical decor: umbrellas, sand, wooden benches, palm fronds, and plastic chairs. Ex-pats come there to get away from the local population. Face it, our white skin makes us a bit of a freak parade in brown countries. It's nice to just not be watched sometimes. I looked around, every table spoke a different European language. I settled in with a book in the far corner. I tried ordering four or five different types of fruit juices they didn't have that day, before finally giving up and getting a bottle of water.

Peace at last. (sniff) I thought about the medicine. Dragging out the bag I was amazed to discover no less than 6 different kinds! Although quite sure this was overkill, I wanted relief. "Take before food," hmmm..."Take after food," hmm..looking at my bottle of water, I decided that since I was fasting that day, this wasn't a point of contention. I downed the lot.

Ten minutes later, Seagulls went hippy. There were swirls everywhere. Everyone seemed to move with a special "jive". I texted my best friend. He didn't respond. I tried to ignore the pretty fairies and butterflies on the edge of my vision. Everything was in slow motion. I was panicked. I read my book. The naughty fairies flitted about. I read my book more intensely. Finally, I figured it was time to make a move. I tried to walk without staggering or falling sideways. Most of all, in this drug hating Muslim country, I tried NOT to attract attention.

I made my way to the airport to meet my boat. I took the ferry and arrived 40 minutes before the receptionist had said to be there. Not seeing our boat, I called the airport rep. He was already back at the resort, and the next boat didn't leave for another 5.5 hours! I was so very angry. I hopped on the next ferry back to Male. What else to do?

I...sorry, it's no good. All I really remember about that day are the things dancing in the air. No. Wait...I remember that then I was sitting at Jetty number 1, waiting for a ferry. There were some young men trying to get me to eat bananas. They were really surreal in the way they insisted. "They're Maldivian bananas..." one took and peeled one offering it to me. I shook my head no and thanked him. "Very tasty... try one..." another went to take a bite of his and offered me another. I was reminded of Snow White and the scene where the old woman gives her an apple. I told them I was fasting, thank you. Suddenly I remembered the hospital. A cab stopped in front of me. I got in. Then I was at the hospital. I asked the doctor what all of the medicines were for. Half were for individual symptoms, and the other half were for the side effects of the first half.

I thanked him and then...I was at the airport jetty. I had enough of Male' and decided to go and spend the rest of my hours in the airport hotel bar by the pool. The guys there greeted me warmly and I settled into my safe place with my book, two liters of water and a plate of limes. I spent about four hours there. I didn't make it home until 11pm. I didn't pass "Go, or collect $200," but went straight to my room. I unpacked my purchases and upon closer examination, the bag revealed one more drug marked "take one at night". This one didn't even have a drug name on it. I thought it must be to help me sleep.

I took all the medication again (as scheduled) including the new one to take at night. I had the most beautiful sleep of my life! The dreams were vivid, yet soft. I slept in a warm protective cloud, in the arms of someone from years ago, very special to my soul. He held me tenderly, leading me into each dream. Then I dreamed of my grandmother, dead these 17 years. The last time she visited me so clearly was 11 years ago. I was happy. Even returning to this world, to my single bed couldn't take this happiness. I got up and got dressed in the afternoon of the following day.

I looked up all of the drugs on the internet (save the nameless one to be taken at night) and found that they were truly excessive. An antihistimine (because I sneezed), an anti-biotic (fair enough, I had an infection), cough medicine in case I coughed, something in case I developed pain, and Zantac (an ULCER medicine)in case any of the others hurt my stomach! The effects of all of them combined left me terrified of my phone ringing, let alone any other sound!

"croak, croak" (my phone rings like a softly croaking frog) This would be followed by strong reverbations of terror through my system as I identified the source. "It's my phone. It's only my phone. Relax."

As I related my story today to a couple of friends (separately), they both had the same response, "Was this the Indian Dr?" "Yes." I replied.

It's been 24 hours now since I decided that the only medicine I needed to take was the anti-biotic. I'm happy to say that my phone can now ring as it will, the naughty fairies have gone, as have the butterflies and everyone hoola dancing.

I feel a bit beaten around the edges, but I know I'm going to be ok...God save me from ever being actually hospitalised here!