a vision

I had a bad moment tonight- I pulled out my guitar for the first time in months.

My fingers remembered everything.

Then they started playing old songs I hadn't played in years

-songs that my Daddy plays, songs my Mum and Daddy sing together that signify their entire lives together, songs that my Daddy and I play specially for us.

...then my world melted around me and my fingers plucking the strings connected me to another time.

My brother and I were playing and singing at my Dad's funeral

and it was in a graveyard there in Oklahoma- one I haven't seen before

or had never paid attention to. I thought, "How strange. Why is my Dad having a funeral? The church or people must have donated money to pay for it. I never imagined anyone in my family having a funeral."

I saw myself there, the light, the warmth of the sun, the smell of the earth and the grass and trees and bushes

the sound of the insects

the feeling of ...

the feeling emanating from the people there. I looked at their faces. I didn't know them. Most of them were old- friends from the years since left home half a lifetime ago.

I started crying but finished the song- and in my vision, when I faltered singing (but not playing) the people there helped with the singing

which gave me strength too

and I finished

then I played my Daddy's favorite song

and I couldn't sing at all

and my mom sang with me

and I could hear her voice strain

and feel everything inside of her- how Daddy begged her to play and sing it and then criticized her because she never did it exactly like me

and the irony that even I couldn't remember how I used to do it that he loved so much, when I finally came round.

then the vision faded and I was alone in my room, crying.